Production and marketing companies populate Hollywood like anthills. Everybody’s pitching, hustling, and posturing in search of money and talent. Real producers are too busy to answer a call or letter from an unknown. Agents are inaccessible unless you have two scripts and a referral. The Hollywood fortress protects those already inside from the unwashed hordes.
But there are a bunch of companies filling a business niche and interfacing between the creative public and the entertainment industry. They employ slick e-mail and online marketing campaigns and offer a range of services to Hollywood outsiders. It doesn’t take much to start such a company, just a film or TV show that’s been successfully sold and a dozen or so connections in the industry. With a competent webmaster and marketer you’re off and running, seeking new sources of revenue from a hungry public that sees themselves on the red carpet at the Oscars.
One such company I will call The Voldemort Company. Not because they are evil, I just like the name. And I don’t want to be sued. My ex-girlfriend somehow ended up on Voldemort’s e-mail list. She passed along a link that introduced me to his very smooth video sales pitches.
It didn’t cost much to get started. A $500 charge to the credit card seemed reasonable for a script review and strategic analysis of the film’s market potential. They promised to put me in direct consultation with a Hollywood producer, who I will call Jesus. He has a beard and 20 years’ experience in Hollywoo, and I like the name. Jesus wouldn’t sue me. He’s a producer, he’s too busy. When locked in a room with Voldemort I pray that he will be my savior.
Jesus loves The God Helmet. He was almost deferential in our first phone consultation, which ran two hours, twice the promised length. Jesus gave great feedback, and he gave me the name of his entertainment lawyer. He turned water into wine (not really). He gave me the scoop on Voldemort. He laid out a vision of me breaking into Hollywood. It was thrilling and encouraging, a validation of my dream and five years of work.
This was some time ago. I am sorry, dear reader, but you have some catching up to do. This drama unfolds over time. I assure you that every essential twist and turn will be revealed in these blog posts as I improvise and execute a plan to break into Hollywood.